Post 53…

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A firework is a beautiful analogy. The moment an explosion occurs. Lights, then sound, then the reaction in your chest. Like an idea, when the initial manifestation of a thought occurs and you feel it, eureka! It may represent luck, the perfect moment when the energy shifts and it all works out just right.

As of now, I am out of ideas, and in need of some luck. A penny for my thoughts has been spent beyond my means, and now is the time to take action. Although direction, intention, and inspiration are lacking. Despite this current moment, I feel there is a silver lining, a hopeful light. Just enough to see in front of me as I wander adult streets.

I am wringing out my mind, for something more to say in this week. Distracted by new music found just a moment before. Check out Leif Vollebekk if you have some time or in the mood for the winter blue emotions. Anyway, my personal new year has always buffered being a January baby. The time between the 1st and the 21st takes a clouded filter with candlelight, and maybe a nightcap to escort wreckless nostalgia. I trust myself to navigate the new year with confidence, even if that means another season of fake it ’til I make it!

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-xx

Post 52 of 52

To avoid cliché introductions, I am going to dive right into the meat of this post. I have now completed 52 blog posts, once a week, for an entire year. A resolution I had set for myself just over a year ago. To reiterate my feelings on resolutions, they are powerful! The beginning of a new calendar year is more often than not an emotional process for me.

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In years past, my only source of reflection and collection are the journals I keep. The retiring of an old used agenda-journal, the introduction to a fresh clean one, a lot crosses the mind. Memories or days, or weeks past, the souvenir stickers that decorate the cover, quote of inspiration that helped from the year, and water stains from days less inspirational. This year I am beyond grateful to say goodbye to 2017. Looking ahead, I mostly feel relief, because whatever may happen, I fully believe answers are on the horizon, and soon my year-long questions will be resolved.

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I embody the ability to completely engulf myself in nostalgia, for better or worse, and this blog is a great place to scroll endlessly of moments and thoughts that have come to pass. It is a modern medium far different from my analog style. The excitement is still here, I can still feel it just as I did 365 days ago.

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So for those of you who may be asking, ‘Will the blog continue?’, the answer is yes! In 2018 I will continue to upload weekly. I will continue to produce content, capture the images of my life, and write to express my passions, concerns, and interests. As for the complete vision of the new year, that is unclear. For now, I wish to ring in the New Year with my husband and focus on all that is good in the world and in my life.

xx – nasty trash

Post 51 of 52

Yesterday was the Winter Solstice in the northern hemisphere. In honor of that fact, I ventured out into the darkness and made some images amongst the glowing lights of the city.  To do this, a new tripod purchase was necessary. No matter how cold the temperatures may feel, you are not “freezing” enough to stand perfectly still and capture a clear image at a low ISO (I tried to deny this reality for months).

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Shooting in low ISO is new to me, but I had such a great time capturing the whirling lights of the trams and vehicles. The city was still surprisingly busy, being the last couple days before Christmas. Traffic was significant, by Finland standards. More fun than capturing the images was finding new angles to shoot from. With my new Gorillapod, I can capture images from perspectives which were not achievable before now. Plus there is the added bonus of cracking vlog jokes with my husband and doing my best Casey Neistat impersonation. Where is my Boosted Board?

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As my muse, the holiday lights keep the city bright. Although I have not technically seen the sun this week, and have not felt the warmth of its rays in months, twinkling lights keep spirits bright. This is one thing Helsinki does beautifully! With the downtown area in nearly uniform white lights, the streets feel all the more magical during this special time of year.

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This season marks my third holiday in a row here in Helsinki. To be honest, I did not know if I would stay here this long. To be even more honest, I do not know if I will endure this third winter. It is true Finns have an incredible sense of survival, even against all odds. Yet, I am not a native, and my discipline has been challenged this year. Since moving, I have found gratitude to be a critical lifeline.

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Counting blessings and maintaining personal practices and hobbies are crucial. Thus, I am beyond grateful for these images. My new tripod allows me to continue to feel the joy of creating content even when conditions are not ideal. So unless the temperatures turn too cold to keep my camera on, I will continue to capture the night.

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xx – nasty trash

Post 46 of 52

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It is strange how you can wake up in a new mood, almost feel as if you are in a new place whilst standing in your bedroom. That’s not to say Fridays aren’t a great day, but there was something different about this morning. My energy felt good again like everything could flow naturally.

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I understand the hard times, the moments of low energy, the mood that turns into a day, a week, a month of distress. It encompasses more than a persons sleeping pattern, it affects who you see in the mirror. To be honest, sustaining positivity it is one of my biggest obstacles.

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Underlying all of that, I maintain a firm foundation in the belief that energy connects us all. Good thoughts go beyond conversations in the head. It takes work, energy flows based on the effort you put into it. Although it may feel the negative takes less effort, it could just be that it has become a habit. Any habit will feel effortless based on the theory of practice and repetition. So at first good thoughts feel like an uphill battle, but then suddenly, it happens naturally.

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Basically what I am trying to share with you this week is to keep the faith. If the energy in your life feels dull, dark, or negative, acknowledge it, and move on. All we can do in moments like that is be better in the next moment ahead. Like The Four Agreements state, simply do your best. The energy will respond accordingly.

xx – nasty trash

 

Post 45 of 52

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Last week I made the decision to open up and share something personal with you. This blog has encouraged me to see the good in my life, even when I did not want to see it. It is not to be confused as a veil, there are still dark moments that linger longer than I would like to admit. And the intention of this space is not to be a diary, there is a fine line between a confessional outpour and simple honesty. I believe social media and sharing online can be a positive catalyst to generate good energy in the world.

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The pictures include some images I made throughout the week. A selection of moments I captured as the week progressed. Carrying my camera with me is not a daily custom, but it is something I desire to make a habit. It cultivates small digital reminders that leave me feeling accomplished.

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To wrap up, I’d like to ask you to look at your days honestly, just as I have, and consider a few simple upgrades. It’s not always easy to be a better version of yourself, but taking the analog approach and consciously doing the work will make one hell of a difference just by trying.

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xx-nasty trash

Post 44 of 52

Without warning

The engine comes closer

My bones feel it

The weight of it

The sensation approaches all in a moment

Without warning

My mind is distracted

Taken back

Almost 10 years

My body remembers

Without warning

 I am reminded

Every time I undress

My body remembers

Without warning

The car backs up

I break some more

One last look at the stars

Before the questions start

What’s your name

Where do you live

Do you know where you are

Without warning

I’m taken to the sky

In an instant I am numb

The sound of the flight takes me beyond the pain

carries me beyond the pain

I spend weeks away

Without warning

My whole world changed

-PTSD

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xx – nasty trash